Friday, December 28, 2012

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Cookie #3250

On the outside, people think you're having a seizure. On the inside, you know you're dancing.

Monday, November 26, 2012

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Cookie #3248

Take a vacation from discipline: take a crap in your pants.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Cookie #3247

Be careful.  People with disabilities can still kick your ass.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Cookie #3245

Take a nap.  Your life won’t be any better when you wake up, but it will be a little shorter.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Cookie #3244

Channel perversions through alternate online identities.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Cookie #3243

If you order the Lamb of God, ask for the sauce on the side.  

Friday, October 19, 2012

Cookie #3242

Your insecurities make you too weak to have faith in those who deserve your trust.

Friday, October 12, 2012

Cookie #3241

You will enjoy spontaneous occlusion of a favorite orifice.     

Friday, October 5, 2012

Cookie #3239

That isn't your stomach rumbling; it’s the primordial cry of the unborn twin living in your abdominal cavity.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Cookie #3238

You’ll still be you after you surrender to the other personality.  You’ll just be permanently asleep while it does what it wants with your body.

Monday, October 1, 2012

Cookie #3237

You will discover an inner longing to dress house pets in tiny human outfits.
Do not indulge it.

Friday, September 28, 2012

Cookie #3236

You have an indiscernible uniqueness that almost certainly makes you special. 

Friday, September 21, 2012

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Cookie #3234

Nobody likes a quitter.  Except if you quit being an asshole – people like that.

Friday, September 7, 2012

Cookie #3233

When people hear your thoughts, it sounds like Spongebob Squarepants is speaking them.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Friday, August 24, 2012

Cookie #3228

You will 'accidentally' punch a loved one in the face.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Cooke #3227

You will achieve greatness... 
through extraordinary obesity.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Cookie #3224

Afterwards, you will realize that the painful burning was the best part.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Cookie #3221

Position yourself for success; women should be on top.

Friday, July 27, 2012

Cookie #3220

Forget about the past; it has already forgotten about you.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Cookie #3219

Your veil of competence wears dangerously thin; seek alternative employment.

Friday, July 20, 2012

Cookie #3218

Endure insults by taking comfort in elaborate fantasies of violent revenge.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Cookie #3217

You will experience full frontal nudity under unfortunate circumstances.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Friday, July 6, 2012

Cookie #3214

People can’t take their eyes off of you.  You hold their attention like a train wreck strewn with gored bodies.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Cookie #3213

Hypocrisy is the main ingredient in righteous indignation.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Cookie #3212

If we could all read minds, ‘politicians’ would just be called ‘liars’.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Cookie #3211

Your involvement in recent events will not go unpunished.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Cookie #3210

You will wake to find you've had an intimate encounter with an unkempt vagrant -  again.

Monday, June 4, 2012

Cookie #3209

If you knew what people really thought of you, you'd stop trying so hard.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Cookie #3208

You play an important role in the universe. Of course, so do toilet paper and doormats.

Friday, May 18, 2012

Monday, May 7, 2012

Cookie #3206

Don't say a word!  Speaking only reveals you to be batshit wild-eyed crazy.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Cookie #3204

Make your own luck:  work hard, persevere, cheat and kiss a lot of ass.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Cookie #2368

Stop taking pics of your business, and for goodness sake stop sending them to your mom.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Cookie #3203

Absence makes the heart grow fonder of someone other than you.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Cookie #3202

In light of recent events, your salvation has been cancelled.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Cookie #3199

Your cowardice in the face of honest emotion will be the death of you.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Cookie #3198

Is this where you thought you'd be when you grew up? How much of your life is already over? Have a great day.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Cookie #3197

Lotteries are hoaxes engineered to make you believe other people are real.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Cookie #3196

When heard aloud, positive self-talk is undeniably pathetic.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Cookie #3135

You probably should have wiped off the toilet seat first.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Cookie #3134

One day you will look back on today and realize this is where it all went wrong.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Cookie #3133

Why tie yourself down to just one uncooperative, high-maintenance lover? There are plenty of mercury-poisoned fish in the sea.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Cookie #3132

Compromising means failing while pretending you succeeded.  You didn't get what you wanted, and avoided having to feel angry about it.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Cookie #3131

You will not die alone; everyone in the car will die with you.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Cookie #3129

Overconfidence is the gift that keeps on giving long after the decisions are made.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Cookie #3128

When venereal disease comes knocking, don't answer the door.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Friday, March 2, 2012

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Cookie #3125

Gaining a person's approval is not the same thing as gaining that person's respect.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Cookie #3124

Spend the afternoon fantasizing about how sad everyone would be if you died, then grab a sandwich.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Cookie #3123

You may not have nerves of steel, but you sure as hell have a bottle of vodka.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Cookie #3122

When you see people smiling to themselves, it’s because they can hear what you’re thinking.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Cookie #3121

An eye for an eye, a garden gnome for a garden gnome..... Context is everything.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Cookie #3119

Fortune favors the brave, Creepy Fortune Palace favors the paranoid and insecure.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Cookie #3118

Your name is synonymous with the rancid paste of sweat, dead skin and bacteria found in unwashed folds of skin.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Cookie #3116

The more people that engage in activity, the less chance there is of ethical faults in that activity being discovered.  Stay with the crowd.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Cookie #3114

Wakeboarding in the river of tears is strictly prohibited.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Cookie #3113

When others recoil from your touch, you know it’s time to stop being such a nasty little dick.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Cookie #3112

The coolest smart phone will still lose a fight with a hammer.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Cookie #3110

High principles will only get you ostracized; sacrifice honor at the altar of popularity.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Cookie #3109

The source of your high self-esteem is a mystery to us all.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Friday, February 3, 2012

Cookie #3107

You were walking.  You saw the coin.  You did not stop to collect it; it was filthy and you deemed it of little value. You were condemned.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Cookie #3106

Be ready! The defining moment of your life will come while you are toileting.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Monday, January 30, 2012

Cookie #3104

There is no fortune.  This isn’t really happening.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Cookie #3103

It didn't have to come to this.  You brought this on yourself.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Cookie #3102

Your soul is pruney from wallowing in self-pity. Stand up and towel off.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Monday, January 23, 2012

Friday, January 20, 2012

Cookie #3099

When doing 'your best', don't think about the fact that your 'best' is pathetic when compared to other people's 'barely trying'.