Cookie #3240

The cold shower forestalls the cold shoulder.

Cookie #3253

You have been played.

Cookie #3251

Their plan to discredit you is working.

Cookie #3250

On the outside, people think you're having a seizure. On the inside, you know you're dancing.

Cookie #3249

It's time to reexamine your position on slime.

Cookie #3248

Take a vacation from discipline: take a crap in your pants.

Cookie #3247

Be careful.  People with disabilities can still kick your ass.

Cookie #3246

Become the predator you fear.

Cookie #3245

Take a nap.  Your life won’t be any better when you wake up, but it will be a little shorter.

Cookie #3244

Channel perversions through alternate online identities.

Cookie #3243

If you order the Lamb of God, ask for the sauce on the side.  

Cookie #3242

Your insecurities make you too weak to have faith in those who deserve your trust.

Cookie #3241

You will enjoy spontaneous occlusion of a favorite orifice.     

Cookie #3239

That isn't your stomach rumbling; it’s the primordial cry of the unborn twin living in your abdominal cavity.

Cookie #3238

You’ll still be you after you surrender to the other personality.  You’ll just be permanently asleep while it does what it wants with your body.

Cookie #3237

You will discover an inner longing to dress house pets in tiny human outfits.
Do not indulge it.

Cookie #3236

You have an indiscernible uniqueness that almost certainly makes you special. 

Cookie #3235

The voices wont stop until you remove your ears.

Cookie #3234

Nobody likes a quitter.  Except if you quit being an asshole – people like that.

Cookie #3233

When people hear your thoughts, it sounds like Spongebob Squarepants is speaking them.

Cookie #3232

Relax, it was only a really curly head hair.

Cookie #3231

Stop obsessing about it!

Cookie #3230

Just keep it together until the ambulance departs.

Cookie #3229

Even the most beautiful rose dies.

Cookie #3228

You will 'accidentally' punch a loved one in the face.

Cooke #3227

You will achieve greatness... 

through extraordinary obesity.

Cookie #3226

Sooner or later, adoration will end in disgust.

Cookie #3225

The road to hell is paved with fake smiles.

Cookie #3224

Afterwards, you will realize that the painful burning was the best part.

Cookie #3223

There are no more special moments in store for you.

Cookie #3222

Aim low; shoot the knees.

Cookie #3221

Position yourself for success; women should be on top.

Cookie #3220

Forget about the past; it has already forgotten about you.

Cookie #3219

Your veil of competence wears dangerously thin; seek alternative employment.

Cookie #3218

Endure insults by taking comfort in elaborate fantasies of violent revenge.

Cookie #3217

You will experience full frontal nudity under unfortunate circumstances.

Cookie #3216

It takes a village to raise an idiot.

Cookie #3215

People can hear you smiling.

Cookie #3214

People can’t take their eyes off of you.  You hold their attention like a train wreck strewn with gored bodies.

Cookie #3213

Hypocrisy is the main ingredient in righteous indignation.

Cookie #3212

If we could all read minds, ‘politicians’ would just be called ‘liars’.

Cookie #3211

Your involvement in recent events will not go unpunished.

Cookie #3210

You will wake to find you've had an intimate encounter with an unkempt vagrant -  again.

Cookie #3209

If you knew what people really thought of you, you'd stop trying so hard.

Cookie #3208

You play an important role in the universe. Of course, so do toilet paper and doormats.

Cookie #3207

An eye for an eye, a self-esteem for a self-esteem.

Cookie #3206

Don't say a word!  Speaking only reveals you to be batshit wild-eyed crazy.

Cookie #3205

Keep breathing.

Cookie #3204

Make your own luck:  work hard, persevere, cheat and kiss a lot of ass.

Cookie #2368

Stop taking pics of your business, and for goodness sake stop sending them to your mom.

Cookie #3203

Absence makes the heart grow fonder of someone other than you.

Cookie #3202

In light of recent events, your salvation has been cancelled.

Cookie #3201

Make space for some 'Me' time; leave your spouse.

Cookie #3200

Megalomania is tiresome.

Cookie #3199

Your cowardice in the face of honest emotion will be the death of you.

Cookie #3198

Is this where you thought you'd be when you grew up? How much of your life is already over? Have a great day.

Cookie #3197

Lotteries are hoaxes engineered to make you believe other people are real.

Cookie #3196

When heard aloud, positive self-talk is undeniably pathetic.

Cookie #3135

You probably should have wiped off the toilet seat first.

Cookie #3134

One day you will look back on today and realize this is where it all went wrong.

Cookie #3133

Why tie yourself down to just one uncooperative, high-maintenance lover? There are plenty of mercury-poisoned fish in the sea.

Cookie #3132

Compromising means failing while pretending you succeeded.  You didn't get what you wanted, and avoided having to feel angry about it.

Cookie #3131

You will not die alone; everyone in the car will die with you.

Cookie #3130

Masturbation is probably your best option.

Cookie #3129

Overconfidence is the gift that keeps on giving long after the decisions are made.

Cookie #3128

When venereal disease comes knocking, don't answer the door.

Cookie #3127

A wise ass is better than a foolish head.

Cookie #3126

You see insult where others see random conversation.

Cookie #3125

Gaining a person's approval is not the same thing as gaining that person's respect.

Cookie #3124

Spend the afternoon fantasizing about how sad everyone would be if you died, then grab a sandwich.

Cookie #3123

You may not have nerves of steel, but you sure as hell have a bottle of vodka.

Cookie #3122

When you see people smiling to themselves, it’s because they can hear what you’re thinking.

Cookie #3121

An eye for an eye, a garden gnome for a garden gnome..... Context is everything.

Cookie #3120

Your failures are many, your friends few.

Cookie #3119

Fortune favors the brave, Creepy Fortune Palace favors the paranoid and insecure.

Cookie #3118

Your name is synonymous with the rancid paste of sweat, dead skin and bacteria found in unwashed folds of skin.

Cookie #3117

Think more, talk less.

Cookie #3116

The more people that engage in activity, the less chance there is of ethical faults in that activity being discovered.  Stay with the crowd.

Cookie #3115

Every dog has his day in court.

Cookie #3114

Wakeboarding in the river of tears is strictly prohibited.

Cookie #3113

When others recoil from your touch, you know it’s time to stop being such a nasty little dick.

Cookie #3112

The coolest smart phone will still lose a fight with a hammer.

Cookie #3111

Everyone hates you.

Cookie #3110

High principles will only get you ostracized; sacrifice honor at the altar of popularity.

Cookie #3109

The source of your high self-esteem is a mystery to us all.

Cookie #3108

Hide incompetence behind a veil of ambiguity.

Cookie #3107

You were walking.  You saw the coin.  You did not stop to collect it; it was filthy and you deemed it of little value. You were condemned.

Cookie #3106

Be ready! The defining moment of your life will come while you are toileting.

Cookie #3105

If it smelled bad, why did you eat it?

Cookie #3104

There is no fortune.  This isn’t really happening.

Cookie #3103

It didn't have to come to this.  You brought this on yourself.

Cookie #3102

Your soul is pruney from wallowing in self-pity. Stand up and towel off.

Cookie #3101

Even the most elegant lady poops.

Cookie #3100

Slink away before anyone notices what you've done.

Cookie #3099

When doing 'your best', don't think about the fact that your 'best' is pathetic when compared to other people's 'barely trying'.