Cookie #3098

That sparkling glint on the horizon is probably just a glistening pile of newly shat crap.  Is it really worth leaving the path you're on?

Cookie #3097

A sandwich with no filling is just a stack of bread.

Cookie #3096

You are a person of noble sentiments and despicable deeds.

Cookie #3095

Your life would be easier if Google Translate offered translation from English into Stupid.

Cookie #3094

You only live once; who cares if the guy in front of you in the ‘12 items or less’ express line really has 14 items?

Cookie #3093

That tinfoil hat of yours won’t stop alien mind control; you need a lead hat smeared with peanut butter.

Cookie #3092

Pain is just God's way of telling you that you deserve to suffer.

Cookie #3091

You are a soldier in a land of too many generals.  Just do what you can.

Cookie #3090

You have a knack for self doubt.   

Cookie #3089

You can wrestle with your conscience, but we all know you’ll pin it.

Cookie #3088

Stop pouting; you look like an episode of When Plastic Surgery Goes Wrong.

Cookie #3087

Somewhere between idiocy and lunacy lies your next big idea.

Cookie #3086

You will enjoy old age with the help of discreet yet absorbent adult diapers.

Cookie #3085

No one gives a fuck about what you think.  Just shut up and listen for once.

Cookie #3084

You need to have that rash checked by a professional.

Cookie #3083

‘Common sense’ is less common than its name suggests.

Cookie #3082

Send in the clowns; we need more people to throw to the lions. 

Cookie #3081

Put your relationships on autopilot and spend your excess mental energy fantasizing about relationships with more attractive people.

Cookie #3080

You are no better than those you mock.

Cookie #3079

You will lose the battle but dodge the war.

Cookie #3078

The romance of a lifetime starts with a single obscene gesture.

Cookie #3077

Your ego is going to need an ice pack.

Cookie #3076

In the whole of human history, I don’t think anyone has ever promised someone a rose garden.

Cookie #3075

Set the bar at ground level.

Cookie #3074

When all the smoke finally clears, you’ll probably want to put on some pants.

Cookie #3073

It’s still stealing no matter how much time and effort you’ve given the company.

Cookie #3072

After you’ve planted your flag and raised your fists in victory, you'll realize the hill you’ve taken is only a trash heap. 

Cookie #3071

Nobody knows you as well as you pretend to know yourself.

Cookie #3070

Every moment that passes is another moment in which you did nothing to change the world.

Cookie #3068

At you read this, two of your associates are laughing about how worthless you are.

Cookie #3069

You think it's your inner circle. Everyone else in the circle thinks you're the monkey in the middle.

Cookie #3067

It sure doesn’t take a genius to do your job!

Cookie #3066

Public humiliation is imminent.

Cookie #3062

Don't eat the salmon.

Cookie #3065

Nobody ever said life would be easy. Suck it up.

Cookie #3064

The story of your life would make an excellent sleep aid.

Cookie #3063

Your future is as bright as the lights shining on a dying man in surgery.

Cookie #3061

Being poor sucks; attain more wealth.

Cookie #3060

How could you have let this happen?

Cookie #3059

Sudden traumatic injury is just around the corner.

Cookie #3058

One of your closest friends secretly hates you.

Cookie #3057

Don’t let the light at the end of the tunnel prevent you from appreciating the tunnel that is taking you there.

Cookie #3056

A diamond in the rough must have every millimeter of its surface cut, ground and polished before achieving its potential. 

Cookie #3055

The desperate, gamy quality of your unique odor would make a fine lure for vultures.

Cookie #3054

The good intentions of others are plentiful yet worthless. 

Cookie #3053

You never fail!  You simply redefine success to be whatever you did.

Cookie #3052

Don't eat random mushrooms you see on the ground.

Cookie #3051

You are narcissistic and delusional.  It's a good thing most people avoid you.

Cookie #3050

You have a yellow streak longer than the brown streak in your underwear.

Cookie #3049

Conspiracies are everywhere.  Step lightly.

Cookie #3048

Any friend of yours has very low standards.

Cookie #3047

A coworker is peeking through the cracks of your bathroom stall at every opportunity.

Cookie #3046

Today's Zombie attack has been postponed.

Cookie #3045

Things could always get worse.

Cookie #3044

The U.S. Centers for Disease Control have issued a warning about your sense of humor.

Cookie #3043

Today is your day!  You will also be sharing the day with billions of others, so play nice.

Cookie #3042

Playing dead works with bears, but not with spouses.

Cookie #3041

Nobody works as hard as you do at being difficult.

Cookie #3040

You are an insignificant speck in the grand scheme of things.  Why not knock over a liquor store?

Cookie #3039

The voices are imaginary, but the message is real.

Cookie #3038

Failure is not an option; it's a foregone conclusion.

Cookie #3037

When you hit rock bottom you will break your tailbone and a finger.

Cookie #3036

You have been designated as a 'person of interest' in an ongoing investigation by the fashion police.

Cookie #3035

Your intellect is immeasurable.

Cookie #3034

You are far from the sharpest tack in the box.

Cookie #3032

Imaginary friends cannot be listed as emergency contacts.

Cookie #3031

Making new friends is easy.  Just be yourself and give people money each time you see them.

Cookie #3030

Act natural and no one will suspect.

Cookie #3029

You are NOT a failure.  Well, it's really your parents that feel you are not a failure, but that counts for something.

Cookie #3028

A stitch in time causes puckering in the space-time continuum.  Use Velcro instead.

Cookie #3027

Would it kill you to be less of an asshole?

Cookie #3026

If Yoda and Harry Potter fought each other, who would win?

Cookie #3025

You are in need of a total makeover at the inner beauty salon.

Cookie #3024

This fortune sucks.

Cookie #3023

You haven't saved the world, but you haven't destroyed it either.  Stop stalling and pick a side.

Cookie #3033

Sometimes if you listen closely, you can hear people say, 'Okay, places everyone!' just before you enter the room.

Cookie #3022

Confucius say:  'Stop writing down all the shit I say.'

Cookie #222

It takes one to masturbate and two to tango.  Do the math, Einstein.

Cookie #3021

You are known as someone who emits a foul odor of indeterminate cause.

Cookie #3020

Suicide is your only option.

Cookie #3019

Don't try to defend yourself - it just makes you seem more guilty.

Cookie #3018

Angry birds make poor house guests.

Cookie #3017

Relax.  Bad things will happen whether or not you worry about them.

Cookie #3016

Your life has been nothing short of innocuous.

Cookie #3015

You are harmless, but not unharmed.

Cookie #3014

You will meet the woman you admire most, and then watch in horror as you spray food-laden spittle into her face the moment you speak.

Cookie #3013

Treat today like an adventure! Run to your car like you're being chased, throw yourself inside, and peel out of the parking lot.

Cookie #3012

You will be called into a meeting with HR and your boss; deny everything.

Cookie #3011

Anxiety is just nature's way of imprisoning your intellect.

Cookie #3010

You must learn to control your road rage before it kills an old guy named Larry.

Cookie #3009

Next time you rent a car, remember that the driver's seat has almost certainly been soaked with the butt sweat of a total stranger.

Cookie #3008

If God had intended for you to be happy, he wouldn't have riddled you with insecurities.

Cookie #3007

Your talents are without measure, and your value is incalculable.

Cookie #3006

Do unto others before they do unto you, so that you can just fall asleep afterwards.

Cookie #3005

When you see a shooting star: wish for something you don't want so you won't be sad when nothing happens.

Cookie #3004

A tiny insect crawled into your ear last night while you slept.  If you hold very still, you will feel it moving around.

Cookie #3003

People who smile at you are really just laughing to themselves about how stupid you are.

Cookie #3002

Your moral compass has been demagnetized.

Cookie #3001

You are not alone. Stop dressing as though the rest of us aren't here.

Cookie #2997

You value easily consumable entertainment over independent thinking.

Cookie #3000

Positive visualization is the key to success!  Image yourself in another man's shoes, and then steal them.

Cookie #2999

The road less traveled will still take you past a McDonald's.

Cookie #2998

You are courageous in the face of dangerously expired food.

Cookie #2996

Eat not the rotted fruit of self-congratulation. Just have an apple or something instead.

Cookie #2995

If you're happy and you know it, you are in denial.

Cookie #2994

If you are not part of the solution then do not stand to the right of the = sign.

Cookie #2993

An acquaintance has been sniffing the seat of your chair after you leave the room.

Cookie #2992

You are not long for gainful employment.

Cookie #2991

Know your enemy: go visit your mother.

Cookie #2990

DEFLECT BLAME; ABSORB CREDIT.

Cookie #2986

Your wheedling and pretension are an annoyance to those around you.

Cookie #2984

You will bring joy to all those who delight in the misfortunes of others.

Cookie #2987

Just so you know, that little camera on your phone is always on.

Cookie #2988

In the play called 'Life', you will play the role of 'Stooge'.

Cookie #7

You know how that guy waved at you, and you waved back, but he was really waving at someone else?  We did that to make you look stupid.

Cookie #2983

Your scheme for world domination is unlikely to succeed.

Cookie #2985

The wise man uses public office for private gain.

Cookie #2982

You'll never know what you can't do until you fail miserably.

Cookie #2981

The key to happiness is greed.

Cookie #2980

An encounter with flesh eating bacteria is just around the corner.

Cookie #2379

A bird in the hand makes a nice hors-d'oeuvre.

Cookie #2378

Don't worry - your adolescent homosexual experimentation was totally normal.  That stuff with the puppets was pretty messed up, though.

Cookie #2377

Be persistent and thorough! The toilet must sometimes be flushed twice to clear the bowl.

Cookie #2376

Your delicate hands will soon know the sting of hard labor.

Cookie #2375

The bizarre and humiliating circumstances surrounding your death will make your name a household word.

Cookie #2374

I think we're both old enough to admit to ourselves that you will never be great or famous.

Cookie #2373

Hairy grow the palms of one who pats himself on the back incessantly.

Cookie #3331

Your health will decline slowly until death.

Cookie #6512

As you read this, your spouse  is having an adulterous thought.

Cookie #2364

In the war against poverty, tax fraud is your greatest weapon.

Cookie #2372

Live today to its fullest, because from here on out it all turns to shit.

Cookie #2371

Live every day to its fullest: eat until you're on the verge of vomiting.

Cookie #2362

If you live to see tomorrow, buy yourself something nice.

Cookie #2370

With each new day, new miseries await you.  Or was it miniseries? Hmmm.... Your future is clouded.

Cookie #2369

The fool chases his wind-blown hat into the dung heap; the wise man steals a new hat from the wimpy bystander.

Cookie #2361

Assault charges have been filed.

Cookie #2365

Isolate yourself from all human contact. It's the only way.

Cookie #2360

The mate who loves you just the way you are is feeble-minded.

Cookie #2363

Take a genuine interest in others; stalk the next person you meet.

Cookie #2358

Extensive plastic surgery at frequent intervals is a sure sign of high self-esteem.

Cookie #2359

A friend in need is a person to be avoided.

Cookie #2367

You know the last time you thought people were staring at you?  They were.

Cookie #2366

Your insecurities about your attractiveness to others are well-founded.

Cookie #2345

Improve your relations at work! Coworkers mock you every moment that your head is turned.

Cookie #2344

Seek medical attention immediately.  Right after that, seek psychiatric help.

Cookie #1765

Your drive and ambition will put you ahead of about a third of the pack.

Cookie #2357

The newly purchased underwear will cause the wedgie; stick with the proven undergarments.

Cookie #2356

The wise man smiles even as he contemplates his futile existence.

Cookie #5465

You continue to underestimate the offensiveness of your remarks.

Cookie #6235

Sexual ambiguity will take you far, but probably not all the way.

Cookie #2355

The wages of sin don't keep pace with inflation.

Cookie #4532

Your ancestors watch even as you perform life's most embarrassing acts.

Cookie #2352

Don't leave the house.

Cookie #567

Your ankles will swell unattractively.

Cookie #2353

You are well versed at the art of oversharing.

Cookie #2348

Appease your enemies lest you suffer humiliation and death.

Cookie #2342

Pride goeth before the cocktail weiner.

Cookie #2351

Excellence is overrated; seek the soft path of leisure.

Cookie #2350

Not even the strongest deodorant cannot conceal the stench of evil.  Shower more frequently.

Cookie #2354

Why not let the ennui overtake you?  Why would it even matter?

Cookie #2349

You will experience sexual dysfunction. Just ride it out.

Cookie #2347

This has all been a dream.  You are still 5 years old.

Cookie #2339

Your determination to persevere in the face of pre-ordained failure is baffling.

Cookie #3456

You will be an unwitting accomplice in the annihilation of common decency.

Cookie #2338

Naked pictures of you are available on the internet.  They do not receive many hits.

Cookie #2336

Why cling to high principles when your honor is long since tarnished?

Cookie #2337

You will satisfy your ambitions vicariously through the lives of your children.

Cookie #2335

Painful urination is the sign of a vital and active lifestyle.

Cookie #2346

To succeed you must crush the ambitions of your peers.

Cookie #2343

You must learn to take the crunchy with the smooth.

Cookie #2333

You will never win the lottery.  Your lucky numbers are 7,56,19,23,47 and 38.

Cookie #2340

Prospective mates are hesitant to approach you; offer sexual favors more freely.

Cookie #6783

It is prudent to use two methods of birth control to prevent unwanted pregnancy.  You'll soon wish you had.

Cookie #2341

Your superiors will quickly recognize your usefulness as a scapegoat.

Cookie #2332

Take advantage of opportunities for insurance fraud.

Cookie #3512

You are renowned for your dependence on prescription painkillers.