Monday, December 19, 2011

Cookie #3098

That sparkling glint on the horizon is probably just a glistening pile of newly shat crap.  Is it really worth leaving the path you're on?

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Monday, December 12, 2011

Cookie #3096

You are a person of noble sentiments and despicable deeds.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Cookie #3095

Your life would be easier if Google Translate offered translation from English into Stupid.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Cookie #3094

You only live once; who cares if the guy in front of you in the ‘12 items or less’ express line really has 14 items?

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Cookie #3093

That tinfoil hat of yours won’t stop alien mind control; you need a lead hat smeared with peanut butter.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Cookie #3092

Pain is just God's way of telling you that you deserve to suffer.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Cookie #3091

You are a soldier in a land of too many generals.  Just do what you can.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Cookie #3089

You can wrestle with your conscience, but we all know you’ll pin it.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Cookie #3088

Stop pouting; you look like an episode of When Plastic Surgery Goes Wrong.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Cookie #3087

Somewhere between idiocy and lunacy lies your next big idea.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Cookie #3086

You will enjoy old age with the help of discreet yet absorbent adult diapers.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Cookie #3085

No one gives a fuck about what you think.  Just shut up and listen for once.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Cookie #3084

You need to have that rash checked by a professional.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Cookie #3083

‘Common sense’ is less common than its name suggests.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Cookie #3082

Send in the clowns; we need more people to throw to the lions. 

Monday, November 21, 2011

Cookie #3081

Put your relationships on autopilot and spend your excess mental energy fantasizing about relationships with more attractive people.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Cookie #3078

The romance of a lifetime starts with a single obscene gesture.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Monday, November 14, 2011

Cookie #3076

In the whole of human history, I don’t think anyone has ever promised someone a rose garden.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Cookie #3074

When all the smoke finally clears, you’ll probably want to put on some pants.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Cookie #3073

It’s still stealing no matter how much time and effort you’ve given the company.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Cookie #3072

After you’ve planted your flag and raised your fists in victory, you'll realize the hill you’ve taken is only a trash heap. 

Monday, November 7, 2011

Cookie #3071

Nobody knows you as well as you pretend to know yourself.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Cookie #3070

Every moment that passes is another moment in which you did nothing to change the world.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Cookie #3068

At you read this, two of your associates are laughing about how worthless you are.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Cookie #3069

You think it's your inner circle. Everyone else in the circle thinks you're the monkey in the middle.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Monday, October 31, 2011

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Cookie #3064

The story of your life would make an excellent sleep aid.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Cookie #3063

Your future is as bright as the lights shining on a dying man in surgery.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Friday, October 21, 2011

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Cookie #3057

Don’t let the light at the end of the tunnel prevent you from appreciating the tunnel that is taking you there.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Cookie #3056

A diamond in the rough must have every millimeter of its surface cut, ground and polished before achieving its potential. 

Friday, October 14, 2011

Cookie #3055

The desperate, gamy quality of your unique odor would make a fine lure for vultures.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Cookie #3054

The good intentions of others are plentiful yet worthless. 

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Cookie #3053

You never fail!  You simply redefine success to be whatever you did.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Monday, October 10, 2011

Cookie #3051

You are narcissistic and delusional.  It's a good thing most people avoid you.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Cookie #3050

You have a yellow streak longer than the brown streak in your underwear.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Cookie #3047

A coworker is peeking through the cracks of your bathroom stall at every opportunity.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Friday, September 30, 2011

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Cookie #3044

The U.S. Centers for Disease Control have issued a warning about your sense of humor.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Cookie #3043

Today is your day!  You will also be sharing the day with billions of others, so play nice.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Monday, September 26, 2011

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Cookie #3040

You are an insignificant speck in the grand scheme of things.  Why not knock over a liquor store?

Friday, September 23, 2011

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Cookie #3038

Failure is not an option; it's a foregone conclusion.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Cookie #3037

When you hit rock bottom you will break your tailbone and a finger.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Cookie #3036

You have been designated as a 'person of interest' in an ongoing investigation by the fashion police.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Cookie #3032

Imaginary friends cannot be listed as emergency contacts.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Cookie #3031

Making new friends is easy.  Just be yourself and give people money each time you see them.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Cookie #3029

You are NOT a failure.  Well, it's really your parents that feel you are not a failure, but that counts for something.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Cookie #3028

A stitch in time causes puckering in the space-time continuum.  Use Velcro instead.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Cookie #3026

If Yoda and Harry Potter fought each other, who would win?

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Cookie #3025

You are in need of a total makeover at the inner beauty salon.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Cookie #3023

You haven't saved the world, but you haven't destroyed it either.  Stop stalling and pick a side.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Cookie #3033

Sometimes if you listen closely, you can hear people say, 'Okay, places everyone!' just before you enter the room.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Cookie #3022

Confucius say:  'Stop writing down all the shit I say.'

Monday, September 5, 2011

Cookie #222

It takes one to masturbate and two to tango.  Do the math, Einstein.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Cookie #3021

You are known as someone who emits a foul odor of indeterminate cause.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Friday, September 2, 2011

Cookie #3019

Don't try to defend yourself - it just makes you seem more guilty.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Cookie #3017

Relax.  Bad things will happen whether or not you worry about them.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Monday, August 29, 2011

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Cookie #3014

You will meet the woman you admire most, and then watch in horror as you spray food-laden spittle into her face the moment you speak.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Cookie #3013

Treat today like an adventure! Run to your car like you're being chased, throw yourself inside, and peel out of the parking lot.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Cookie #3012

You will be called into a meeting with HR and your boss; deny everything.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Cookie #3011

Anxiety is just nature's way of imprisoning your intellect.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Cookie #3010

You must learn to control your road rage before it kills an old guy named Larry.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Cookie #3009

Next time you rent a car, remember that the driver's seat has almost certainly been soaked with the butt sweat of a total stranger.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Cookie #3008

If God had intended for you to be happy, he wouldn't have riddled you with insecurities.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Cookie #3007

Your talents are without measure, and your value is incalculable.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Cookie #3006

Do unto others before they do unto you, so that you can just fall asleep afterwards.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Cookie #3005

When you see a shooting star: wish for something you don't want so you won't be sad when nothing happens.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Cookie #3004

A tiny insect crawled into your ear last night while you slept.  If you hold very still, you will feel it moving around.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Cookie #3003

People who smile at you are really just laughing to themselves about how stupid you are.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Monday, August 15, 2011

Cookie #3001

You are not alone. Stop dressing as though the rest of us aren't here.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Cookie #2997

You value easily consumable entertainment over independent thinking.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Cookie #3000

Positive visualization is the key to success!  Image yourself in another man's shoes, and then steal them.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Cookie #2999

The road less traveled will still take you past a McDonald's.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Cookie #2998

You are courageous in the face of dangerously expired food.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Cookie #2996

Eat not the rotted fruit of self-congratulation. Just have an apple or something instead.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Monday, August 8, 2011

Cookie #2994

If you are not part of the solution then do not stand to the right of the = sign.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Cookie #2993

An acquaintance has been sniffing the seat of your chair after you leave the room.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Friday, August 5, 2011

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Cookie #2986

Your wheedling and pretension are an annoyance to those around you.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Cookie #2984

You will bring joy to all those who delight in the misfortunes of others.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Cookie #2987

Just so you know, that little camera on your phone is always on.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Cookie #2988

In the play called 'Life', you will play the role of 'Stooge'.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Cookie #7

You know how that guy waved at you, and you waved back, but he was really waving at someone else?  We did that to make you look stupid.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Cookie #2983

Your scheme for world domination is unlikely to succeed.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Cookie #2982

You'll never know what you can't do until you fail miserably.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Monday, July 25, 2011

Cookie #2980

An encounter with flesh eating bacteria is just around the corner.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Cookie #2378

Don't worry - your adolescent homosexual experimentation was totally normal.  That stuff with the puppets was pretty messed up, though.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Cookie #2377

Be persistent and thorough! The toilet must sometimes be flushed twice to clear the bowl.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Cookie #2376

Your delicate hands will soon know the sting of hard labor.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Cookie #2375

The bizarre and humiliating circumstances surrounding your death will make your name a household word.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Cookie #2374

I think we're both old enough to admit to ourselves that you will never be great or famous.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Cookie #2373

Hairy grow the palms of one who pats himself on the back incessantly.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Cookie #6512

As you read this, your spouse  is having an adulterous thought.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Cookie #2364

In the war against poverty, tax fraud is your greatest weapon.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Cookie #2372

Live today to its fullest, because from here on out it all turns to shit.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Cookie #2371

Live every day to its fullest: eat until you're on the verge of vomiting.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Cookie #2362

If you live to see tomorrow, buy yourself something nice.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Cookie #2370

With each new day, new miseries await you.  Or was it miniseries? Hmmm.... Your future is clouded.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Cookie #2369

The fool chases his wind-blown hat into the dung heap; the wise man steals a new hat from the wimpy bystander.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Friday, July 8, 2011

Cookie #2365

Isolate yourself from all human contact. It's the only way.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Cookie #2360

The mate who loves you just the way you are is feeble-minded.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Cookie #2363

Take a genuine interest in others; stalk the next person you meet.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Cookie #2358

Extensive plastic surgery at frequent intervals is a sure sign of high self-esteem.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Cookie #2367

You know the last time you thought people were staring at you?  They were.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Cookie #2366

Your insecurities about your attractiveness to others are well-founded.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Cookie #2345

Improve your relations at work! Coworkers mock you every moment that your head is turned.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Cookie #2344

Seek medical attention immediately.  Right after that, seek psychiatric help.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Cookie #1765

Your drive and ambition will put you ahead of about a third of the pack.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Cookie #2357

The newly purchased underwear will cause the wedgie; stick with the proven undergarments.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Cookie #2356

The wise man smiles even as he contemplates his futile existence.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Cookie #5465

You continue to underestimate the offensiveness of your remarks.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Cookie #6235

Sexual ambiguity will take you far, but probably not all the way.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Cookie #2355

The wages of sin don't keep pace with inflation.

Cookie #4532

Your ancestors watch even as you perform life's most embarrassing acts.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Monday, June 20, 2011

Cookie #2351

Excellence is overrated; seek the soft path of leisure.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Cookie #2350

Not even the strongest deodorant cannot conceal the stench of evil.  Shower more frequently.

Cookie #2354

Why not let the ennui overtake you?  Why would it even matter?

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Cookie #2349

You will experience sexual dysfunction. Just ride it out.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Cookie #2347

This has all been a dream.  You are still 5 years old.

Cookie #2339

Your determination to persevere in the face of pre-ordained failure is baffling.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Cookie #3456

You will be an unwitting accomplice in the annihilation of common decency.

Cookie #2338

Naked pictures of you are available on the internet.  They do not receive many hits.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Cookie #2336

Why cling to high principles when your honor is long since tarnished?

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Cookie #2337

You will satisfy your ambitions vicariously through the lives of your children.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Cookie #2335

Painful urination is the sign of a vital and active lifestyle.

Cookie #2346

To succeed you must crush the ambitions of your peers.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Cookie #2333

You will never win the lottery.  Your lucky numbers are 7,56,19,23,47 and 38.

Cookie #2340

Prospective mates are hesitant to approach you; offer sexual favors more freely.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Cookie #6783

It is prudent to use two methods of birth control to prevent unwanted pregnancy.  You'll soon wish you had.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Cookie #2341

Your superiors will quickly recognize your usefulness as a scapegoat.

Cookie #2332

Take advantage of opportunities for insurance fraud.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Cookie #3512

You are renowned for your dependence on prescription painkillers.