Cookie #3045

Things could always get worse.

Cookie #3044

The U.S. Centers for Disease Control have issued a warning about your sense of humor.

Cookie #3043

Today is your day!  You will also be sharing the day with billions of others, so play nice.

Cookie #3042

Playing dead works with bears, but not with spouses.

Cookie #3041

Nobody works as hard as you do at being difficult.

Cookie #3040

You are an insignificant speck in the grand scheme of things.  Why not knock over a liquor store?

Cookie #3039

The voices are imaginary, but the message is real.

Cookie #3038

Failure is not an option; it's a foregone conclusion.

Cookie #3037

When you hit rock bottom you will break your tailbone and a finger.

Cookie #3036

You have been designated as a 'person of interest' in an ongoing investigation by the fashion police.

Cookie #3035

Your intellect is immeasurable.

Cookie #3034

You are far from the sharpest tack in the box.

Cookie #3032

Imaginary friends cannot be listed as emergency contacts.

Cookie #3031

Making new friends is easy.  Just be yourself and give people money each time you see them.

Cookie #3030

Act natural and no one will suspect.

Cookie #3029

You are NOT a failure.  Well, it's really your parents that feel you are not a failure, but that counts for something.

Cookie #3028

A stitch in time causes puckering in the space-time continuum.  Use Velcro instead.

Cookie #3027

Would it kill you to be less of an asshole?

Cookie #3026

If Yoda and Harry Potter fought each other, who would win?

Cookie #3025

You are in need of a total makeover at the inner beauty salon.

Cookie #3024

This fortune sucks.

Cookie #3023

You haven't saved the world, but you haven't destroyed it either.  Stop stalling and pick a side.

Cookie #3033

Sometimes if you listen closely, you can hear people say, 'Okay, places everyone!' just before you enter the room.

Cookie #3022

Confucius say:  'Stop writing down all the shit I say.'

Cookie #222

It takes one to masturbate and two to tango.  Do the math, Einstein.

Cookie #3021

You are known as someone who emits a foul odor of indeterminate cause.

Cookie #3020

Suicide is your only option.

Cookie #3019

Don't try to defend yourself - it just makes you seem more guilty.

Cookie #3018

Angry birds make poor house guests.