Cookie #3017

Relax.  Bad things will happen whether or not you worry about them.

Cookie #3016

Your life has been nothing short of innocuous.

Cookie #3015

You are harmless, but not unharmed.

Cookie #3014

You will meet the woman you admire most, and then watch in horror as you spray food-laden spittle into her face the moment you speak.

Cookie #3013

Treat today like an adventure! Run to your car like you're being chased, throw yourself inside, and peel out of the parking lot.

Cookie #3012

You will be called into a meeting with HR and your boss; deny everything.

Cookie #3011

Anxiety is just nature's way of imprisoning your intellect.

Cookie #3010

You must learn to control your road rage before it kills an old guy named Larry.

Cookie #3009

Next time you rent a car, remember that the driver's seat has almost certainly been soaked with the butt sweat of a total stranger.

Cookie #3008

If God had intended for you to be happy, he wouldn't have riddled you with insecurities.

Cookie #3007

Your talents are without measure, and your value is incalculable.

Cookie #3006

Do unto others before they do unto you, so that you can just fall asleep afterwards.

Cookie #3005

When you see a shooting star: wish for something you don't want so you won't be sad when nothing happens.

Cookie #3004

A tiny insect crawled into your ear last night while you slept.  If you hold very still, you will feel it moving around.

Cookie #3003

People who smile at you are really just laughing to themselves about how stupid you are.

Cookie #3002

Your moral compass has been demagnetized.

Cookie #3001

You are not alone. Stop dressing as though the rest of us aren't here.

Cookie #2997

You value easily consumable entertainment over independent thinking.

Cookie #3000

Positive visualization is the key to success!  Image yourself in another man's shoes, and then steal them.

Cookie #2999

The road less traveled will still take you past a McDonald's.

Cookie #2998

You are courageous in the face of dangerously expired food.

Cookie #2996

Eat not the rotted fruit of self-congratulation. Just have an apple or something instead.

Cookie #2995

If you're happy and you know it, you are in denial.

Cookie #2994

If you are not part of the solution then do not stand to the right of the = sign.

Cookie #2993

An acquaintance has been sniffing the seat of your chair after you leave the room.

Cookie #2992

You are not long for gainful employment.

Cookie #2991

Know your enemy: go visit your mother.

Cookie #2990

DEFLECT BLAME; ABSORB CREDIT.

Cookie #2986

Your wheedling and pretension are an annoyance to those around you.

Cookie #2984

You will bring joy to all those who delight in the misfortunes of others.

Cookie #2987

Just so you know, that little camera on your phone is always on.